My Stubborn Mother

I love my mother, but...(and no, Dr. Phil, making a statement and including a "but" doesn't always erase everything before the "but"). Read Oh, MY MOTHER! to find out why.

Just Down The Road Right Around The Corner

Seems everybody in my family (excluding my son) has a problem with calculating distances. This morning Brittney asked me to accompany her to Audrey's doctor appointment because Brittney had to go to work and she wasn't sure how long the appointment would last.

"Where is it?" I asked her.

"Just follow me," she said.

The reason she wouldn't tell me was because she had previously told me (or so she says) that it was "just down the road" from where her husband played ball.

So we left, drove for several blocks and then she turned around. Oh, I get it, it's a game. OK. I followed her back to the house where she retrieved Audrey's forgotten lunch and backpack. Ah, I get it.

And away we went again.

Mile after mile, with me following behind her, we passed her husband's softball field and drove another mile, and another mile, and another mile. Still driving. Wondering how she might have felt to see my headlights drift slowly away when I ran out of gas.

I started thinking, it's gotta be close, right? It was "just down the road" after all. The ride was beautiful though. The sun was shining. I should have brought a tape recorder (note to self: buy a tape recorder) so I could have WRITTEN A BOOK in the time it took to get "just down the road," which turned out to be TEN MILES past her husband's softball field.

Oh, the memories that surfaced as a result of this morning's trip –

My sisters, Cindy and Kathy, my mother, my sister-friend, Nancy, and I –
A Las Vegas vacation –
Nancy high-fiving every unsuspecting tourist who walked past her –
My sister, Kathy, wanting us to walk to some bar she thought would be fun –
My happiness, because I had "all my sisters with me" AND my son (who was stationed in Camp Pendleton at the time). He had driven up to spend the night with us, driving through Los Angeles fires to get to us.

With the exception of the fires, who could ask for more?

Mom decided not to accompany us on our trip to the bar that was "right around the corner," because Mom discovered that just because you like cable car drinks doesn't mean you have to drink thousands of them, and she was feeling, shall we say, a little queasy. (Smile, Mom.)

So we headed out to a bar that my sister promised was "right around the corner". I want you to know, before I go any further, that I have a bad back, and even when I wear my back brace, walking for even a block causes pain. Walking for several blocks causes excruciating pain.

After a couple of hours, as we were crossing a bridge, I collapsed (we had been walking uphill for quite a while) as my sister sprinted ahead singing and dancing, "it's right around the corner."

"Right around the corner" turned out to be about five miles. I was dying.

After we spent a couple of hours at the bar, and after I got lost looking for a chiropractor, we found each other and took a cab back to the hotel.

And now I'm going on a trip to Florida with my sister, Kathy. I should probably discuss the driving/walking agenda before we leave.

Nobody Warned My Grandson About My Mother

My mother called my daughter today at 3:00 in the afternoon. My grandson, Jeremy, picked up the phone.

"Let me talk to your mother."

"She's sleeping."

Mom was aghast. "She's sleeping???? At 3:00 in the afternoon??? Wake her up!" You see, in Mom's world, NOBODY should be sleeping when she isn't.

Look at her. Yes, that is my mother. When I stand next to her, with my white hair, I look like HER mother. But I digress. Back to the story:

Mom heard Jeremy's footsteps heading toward the bedroom. And she heard him ask his mother to wake up. She also heard his footsteps return to the phone.

"She's still sleeping." This made no sense to my mother, who became even more infuriated.

"WELL, WAKE HER UP! I WANT TO TALK TO HER!" 

After several seconds, Jeremy said, "OK, she's up, but now she's washing the dishes."

My mother is not quite 5'2" tall. But she thinks she's a giant. When I place quotes around what appears to be a booming voice, I must confess, she actually squeaks, so it sounds more like, "tell her to come to the phone now!!" rather than, "TELL HER TO COME TO THE PHONE NOW!!"

But Jeremy obeys her anyway. After all, he is her great grandson. Several seconds passed before Jeremy responded, "OK."

Several more seconds passed before Jeremy told my mother that my daughter couldn't come to the phone.

Mom was livid. "YOU TELL YOUR MOTHER I AM VERY VERY ANGRY AT HER." Remember, it sounds more like, "you tell your mother I am very very angry at her."

Jeremy said, "OK" and hung up.

Two hours later, my daughter called my mother to find out why she was very very very very very very angry with her – that was what Jeremy's note said.

And this is what my mother found out. Jeremy was told not to tell ANYBODY he was home alone. So Jeremy felt safe telling people his mother was asleep. He never expected anybody to torment him about it. Normally, one would expect that telling the caller his mother was asleep would be reason enough to say, "OK, I'll call back later."

However, we are talking about my mother here.