How to Feed Baby The First Meal

As a mother, grandmother, great grandmother, and daycare provider, who writes for a living (well, that's the plan), I have had more experience feeding babies than just about anyone I know, other than perhaps women who might have been recognized in the Guiness Book of World Records, none of whom I know (if they exist). 

In any event I feel qualified to instruct you on the methods for feeding baby's first meal.

First and foremost, buy a camera. Then purchase a small spoon the size of your pinkie fingernail. If you can find one the size of a pin head, even better.

Where to feed baby is of utmost importance. Find a safe place near water, like the tub, a lake, or the ocean.

Stir one tablespoon dried infant cereal into enough breast milk or formula to match the consistency of pudding.

Fill only half of the microscopic spoon with the cereal mixture.

Put the cereal in your baby's mouth.

5% of the mini spoonful will get ingested. Take a picture. Keep scooping the other 95% of the cereal back into baby's mouth over and over until the first spoonful is completely gone. 

Time involved for the first spoonful: about fifteen to twenty minutes.

WARNING #1! Baby's sneezes come with no warning, but they come with almost every meal. Don't look away for even a second, because baby knows when you have averted your eyes, and will explode from his oral orifice all over your face and clothing with the speed of a hurricane. Prepare yourself by dressing in rain gear and by wearing a facial mask. It may scare the baby at first, but it's worth saving yourself from having to scoop cereal out of your eyes. Take a picture of the aftermath.

Continue feeding the baby until the entire bowl filled with the one tablespoon mixture is eaten. 

Total time involved: about three hours.

WARNING #2! 50% of what you thought made it into baby's tummy is actually splashed across baby's face, bib, and chair. Oh, and the flooring and clothing (yours and baby's) too.

When you've cleaned up the mess from this meal, get ready for the next feeding. It starts NOW!

ALTERNATIVES FOR FIRST FEEDING: Let baby suck the cereal through a bottle or purchase a high chair that sits inside a self-cleaning cube with a removable bottom (like the ones in hamster and bird cages). When baby is old enough to hold a spoon and place it successfully in the mouth, cover baby with a vinyl wrap and place baby inside the invisible cubicle. Or stick with the tub.

CAUTIONS: (Old – you've probably heard this first one before) Don't throw out the baby with the bath water. And make sure you purchase a water-proof camera.